I just heard a small child's voice walking down the hall of my office.
This scared me. Not that the employees are getting younger (come on, we don't have child labor law here!), nor that there are children running rampant in my office (but seriously, is it "Take Your Kid to Work Day?"), but rather, that I felt a little twinge.
A twinge of what? Well, it's that twinge that women of a certain age get when they see a chubby baby or they hear a cute voice. A twinge of..."OMGIWANTABABY."
That thought? It is terrifying to me. Not just the "wanting" of a baby, but the thought that thinking that isn't entirely inappropriate. I am thirty years old. I am about to get married. Apparently, my ovaries are already on the downswing (science and its negative light on the situation...sheesh). At this point in my life, having a baby wouldn't be taboo.
I find that entirely terrifying.
My entire life, I have had very distinct goals. Make the spirit squad (check). Get good grades (check). Get into college (check). Get a scholarship (check). DON'T get pregnant (CHECK). It goes on and on, 'til I am where I am now. I have a job. I have a graduate degree. I have a man. I have a pet. I mean, what else is there? BABIES. Let it be known that I am not actively trying to have a baby. I don't really want to yet. But the fact that my body has these strange responses to a child's giggle and footsteps in my workplace freaks me out. I like them. Even now, I see a child in the midst of a temper tantrum and my response is not to plug my fingers into my ears and walk away. Nope. I observe the parent's reaction and think, "Man, must be past nap time."
I am so excited. And yet, I am still so scared.
* Bonus points for those who identify the source of this title. It's an easy one for those in my generation. Also, I tagged this post with Jessie Spano. FIGURE IT OUT.
My heart is broken.
6 months ago