Offices and the restroom.

DISCLAIMER: This is all potty humor. Literally. I'm about to talk about farts and poop in the office setting. If you get grossed out, or don't want to deal with it, don't read it. 

Anyone who works in an office knows that issues always arise in the restrooms. Whether it's the cleaning of dirty dishes in the sinks (USE THE UTILITY SINK, yo!) or just general uncleanliness abounding, they can be nasty, nasty spots in your place of employment. There are all sorts of unspoken rules for both women and men (as my husband as reassured me, it's like dudes at the movie theater, leave a urinal or a stall in between, please). Occasionally, it's a place for TERRIFIC passive-aggressive notes. Occasionally, there is the gift of an air freshener by one person who has just had enough of the shit smell. But without a doubt, office bathroom usage is always tricky and always brings out the nasty in employees.

At my last job, we had two ladies in the adjacent office who I deemed the "Bathroom Farters." Older ladies, they just did not care when it came to bathroom courtesies. You'd be in there, washing your hands, and they'd come in, drop their pants and just let. it. go. Like, the biggest farts you'd ever hear. Of course, I have no maturity when it comes to this sort of thing, so I'd have to flee the bathroom, both in fits of giggles at the farting going on, and also in fear that I was about to be gassed with the foul old lady bathroom smell.

And every office has the quiet stall creeper. You know what I'm talking about, the person that will park themselves in the stall and sit there and wait until you leave before they proceed with their bathroom business. Honestly, these people creep me out more than the bathroom farters. I know you're in there. You KNOW I know you're in there. By just sitting there, I KNOW you are waiting for me to leave so you can gift that porcelain with some of your own ass gifts. You are now forcing me to hurry while washing my hands and forgo my habit of making sure that there is no toilet paper stuck to my shoe (or that my skirt is appropriately adjusted) in front of the whole length mirror. YOU ARE WELCOME. GO ABOUT YOUR POOPING BUSINESS. I WILL RISK THE TOILET PAPER ON MY SHOE.

Then there are the inconsiderate hoverers. I read a great blog article on this awhile back that I sadly cannot locate to link, but this is one of my least favorite people in the bathroom. I GET that you do not want to put your naked ass to the same seat as every other lady on our floor. I GET that you are trying to avoid disease. But please, please, please clean up after yourself. Your aim is off. You piss all over the seat. WIPE IT UP. The paper towels you COAT the seat with? Throw them away, don't just leave them on the floor or let them clog the toilet.

OK. I lied. My least favorite person in the bathroom is the one who drops a huge log and forgets where the flush is. Please, for the love of ALL that is good in this world, FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET. You are the worst. THE WORST.

I hate office bathrooms. HATE. THEM.