Trials and errors.

Two weeks ago, I had my first jury trial in five years. It was also the first time I tried a case with someone other than myself. While being on your own is terrifying, there is a certain comfort in knowing that if you screw up (which you will, it's just a matter of when), no none will be there to see you. That being said, having two other people to share the workload (and toss around strategy) is a lot of fun. Yeah. I said it. WORK CAN BE FUN. But only a little bit. Let's not get crazy here.

I don't really want to get into the specifics about the trial. It's not that interesting, really. We won, which makes all of our hard work pay off. We got a proud email from our boss to our entire office, which always makes you feel proud. And, frankly, jury trials (of the multi-million dollar demand variety) don't happen all that often, so the certain rockstardom of being a "trial lawyer" is rather fun. Of course, two weeks later, the luster has faded, and no one remembers us. Go figure.

My favorite moment? The verdict had come in, and the opposing client was getting more and more verbally angry. Eventually, her attorney asked her to leave the courtroom, at which point she stopped in front of my colleague and me, saying, "I BET YOU ARE REALLLLLLY PROUD OF YOURSELF." She then proceeded to glare directly into my eyeballs until she was hustled out of the courtroom. Since I was in court, I didn't respond, but her eye chicken didn't work. I WON THE STARING CONTEST TOO.

In any event, I remember what I like about being a lawyer. I am not a great trial lawyer, but one of my colleagues that tried the case with me truly is, and witnessing a good trial lawyer is pretty amazing. Having one on YOUR side is spectacular. Winning a trial is indescribable. The sense of achievement is like nothing else.

P.S. We all screwed up in the trial. I promise you, you will ALWAYS make a mistake. Recovery is key.

P.P.S. If I had lost, this blog post would have had WAY more expletives and gone like this: F*$K THE JUSTICE SYSTEM. I HATE MY JOB. LIFE SUCKS. FML FML FML. Aren't you glad I won?

Stripping in court: This really happened (Part Two)

NOT ME. I DID NOT STRIP IN COURT.

Now that I cleared that up, I can explain what exactly happened in court this morning.

Despite the judge granting my motion last week (a motion to dismiss, nonetheless, so the case was dismissed), Judge refused to strike the trial date set for this morning. Therefore, I had to appear in court.

Of course, my pro se opponent appeared as well. This is how it went down.

FA: "Good morning your honor, F.A. on behalf of the Defendant."
Judge (J): (Looking at Pro se) "You were not hear on Thursday and I dismissed your case."
Pro se (PS):  "I know, and I'm sorry for that, Judge. You see, last week, I had heart surgery."
J: "You had whaaa?"
PS: "HEART surgery...SEEE"

At this moment, PS begins to unbutton his shirt to show the judge his surgical proof.

J: "I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT. STOP UNBUTTONING YOUR SHIRT."

:::Silence:::

PS: "I have a doctor's note too."

LUCKY for me, Judge stood on the previous ruling.

Pro se: 0, Fabulously Awkward: 67.

OK, I might not have triumphed SIXTY-SEVEN times over pro se litigants, however I have triumphed over quite a few.

This really happened.

I went to court this afternoon to present a motion I filed last week. As required, I had sent notice to the opposing party.

Opposing party did not show up. The judge sat on the bench for TEN minutes reading my motion. My THREE page motion (double-spaced). Ten minutes. She then looks up at me and says, "Counsel, I have read your motion. Proceed."

Now, for those of you non-lawyers out there, this is not how things usually goes down. The judges always usually sometimes read your motion before court. Additionally, if the respondent (that person who did not FILE the motion, so NOT ME in this situation) does not show up, the moving party (ME) will win without much argument.

No. This judge wanted me to give a FULL ON oral speech. So I did. But not until she had thoroughly read (and memorized) my brief and succint motion.

When you see a judge sitting there for TEN MINUTES reading your motion, lots of thoughts run through your head. "Shoot. Maybe she knows something I don't know. Maybe she will deny it because he's not here. What if I don't move my left leg from it's locked position? I might fall in the front of the courtroom. Oh, it's cool, there are only three other pro se litigants in here. And the clerk. And the court reporter. Falling would have minimal impact on my life today. But just in case, I should unlock that left leg. There ya go. Now. SHE'S STILL READING THE FIRST PAGE? That's only the part where I say who I represent and that the PLAINTIFF SUED MY CLIENT..."

And so on.

I won. Thank goodness. It's not every day you fear losing a motion when it is unopposed.

Hilarity ensues in suburban county courthouses.

Any attorney in the Chicago-land area knows the drill for getting into the courthouses. Some have special cards by which you can bypass security and metal detectors. Some counties are stricter and have even more special cards that you have to pay for above and beyond your annual registration fee for your bar card.

One of my old coworkers (and P.I.C.'s current coworker), we like to call her "Hi guys, crazy eyes," had a really hilarious (well, to all of us) experience in one of the counties where they make all attorneys go through the metal detectors. Read the following email.

Apparently it is a security risk to wear a bra going through the security. I was stopped, wanded and patted down before the officer publicly announced that my bra strap was setting off the alarm. I would like to add that I remained professional and cooperative though I was embarrassed, unlike the "don't touch my junk" guy who freaking out in the airport and made the news. :)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, lawyers are subject to nasty scrutiny just like the laypeople in the courthouse. Apparently bra straps are a security problem. Good to know. Next time I go to that county, I'm going SANS bra. (No. I'm not. That's really not my style.)