Thursday, January 19, 2012

I'm too old for this.

[SUBTITLE: How I know I married the right man.]

Last night P.I.C. had the lovely opportunity to attend a party where the wine was flowing quite freely. In fact, it was a rather good Cabernet that the bartender poured so heavily the glass nearly needed two hands to hold. I know, I know, I said I made life changes and I only have one glass of wine each night. BUT, that is only when I am at home. I do, however, allow for exceptions in the event of such a nice Cabernet that took the chill off a frigid Chicago night. FACT.

In any event, we enjoyed our few glasses of red wine and then had to make one more stop at a friend's house to pick something up. I realized shortly that I had to use the ladies' room. No matter, we'd be at our destination in a few short minutes, I could use their bathroom.

Only said friend wasn't home. So we had to wait. My need to use the bathroom became urgent. Code Red, if you will. (I like to term things in colored codes so that P.I.C. knows how fast to walk home sometimes.) I admit, I do have a tiny bladder and sometimes forget to go before we leave places. SORRY. Anyhow. This was one of those times. Code Red became NEON in color. I was standing on the sidewalk doing a dance to distract my mind from the pressure in my bladder, but OMG it was bad. P.I.C. even called ANOTHER friend to see if she was home and I could run around the corner to use HER bathroom. Only by that point, I'd parked myself in a discreet place in the alley and gone au natural.

Gross. P.I.C. who'd been approaching me in the alley, saw me just as I finished, and told the other friend, "Never mind, we're good." He shook his head at me and started laughing.

P.I.C. "No. Definitely not."

I was basking in the wonderful feeling that had taken over my body in the warm car when P.I.C. got all smirky and said, "I'm going to have to treat you like a toddler and ask if you need to go before we leave places."

It was a fair statement I will admit that.

Yes, I'm gross. This is a gross story. I'm too old to behave like this, I'm aware. The last time this happened, I was twenty-four.

It was New Years Eve 2004. We'd left the bar, not a cab to be found. Similar situation, including the fact that I probably should have gone before we left. We were walking around, and I just had to use it. FOR REAL. Only this time, I didn't have my P.I.C. It was my ex-boyfriend. By all accounts, he was kinda lame. Fine, but he liked to get mad at me for my own brand of shenanigans. Peeing in an alley? Unacceptable. BUT NECESSARY in a Code Red situation. Well, I went that night, only I had to deal with his ridicule and scorn the whole night.

Two things to learn from this story:
1.) I REALLY need to make a stop in the ladies' room before we leave; and
2.) I definitely picked the right man.

I know. I'm gross. Sorry.


  1. LOVE THIS. A few years ago, when my now husband and I had been dating a few months, we made an impromtu stop at the Goose Island Brewery one Saturday afternoon and proceeded to get SMASHED. We stumbled out at about 5:00 pm and started to make the mile walk home. Of course, just like you, I sometimes forget to pee before I leave places. I had to duck in an alley, in BROAD DAYLIGHT, and pop a squat. I believe It's still a story we laugh about. :)

  2. Pssssht. Anyone that can't handle that story or doesn't know that neon code red feeling hasn't had enough fun! Or maybe I've had to much..

  3. Too much. That's too with two o's. Crap.

  4. Ok, so first you post about making changes for yourself for various reasons and I start thinking we sound pretty similar.
    Now I'm convinced we were separated at birth!
    Not like it's my claim to fame,
    but I am known for my ability to pee rapidly in public places.
    However, there was the one time I was smashed after a friend's wedding and he pulled over on the side of the road. I went slightly down a hill then ended up falling over backwards and rolling down the hill. Ass up and everything. I was laughing and crying at the same time. It was painful and hysterical. A few minutes later he finally came to find me...pants around my ankles, crying from pain and laughter. He simply laughed and helped me get up.
    Yep. That's the guy I'm marrying.

  5. I am not even kidding:!/animalcrackers/status/153360678751698944

    Why do we do this to ourselves? Also, I think standing up has a lot to do with it. You get all comfortable sitting down, and then standing up changes the arrangement of everything near the bladder. More pressure, more movement, just not a good combination.

  6. That's so funny! Good for you for doing it the alley. I remember when we went to Britney Spears concert circa 2000 & I had to go so bad that I was sure I was going to explode...... Lol