Oxford almost became an outside cat last night.

NOW, NOW, NOW. Before you report me to PETA, please hear me out.

Lately, Oxford has been exceptionally nocturnal. That's normal, right? Most cats are nocturnal. However, it would appear that as of late, he wishes me and P.I.C. to be nocturnal as well. It all starts out the same. The annoying noise of Oxford licking a bag. Then comes the running and sliding. What is hilarious during waking hours (him running and sliding into things) turns into a horribly annoying noise montage in the wee hours of the morning.

P.I.C. and I take turns getting up to scold him. Without fail, once we get up, he follows us back into bed. He will jump on us, and if we attempt to go back to sleep rather than pet him, he will claw at the blankets. Sigh. So one of us will have to try to stay awake for a little bit to pet him to avoid this other annoying sound.

Part of the problem, I suspect, is that we have "stuff" everywhere. There's a plastic bag with all of our table numbers in the living room. There is a box of vases with paper to wrap them laying on top. Everywhere you turn, there are signs of a wedding being hastily planned. However, to Oxford, these are signs of an obstacle course. But not any obstacle course. It is a midnight to 4:00 a.m. obstacle course that must be played in a very large and in charge manner.

Last night, I'd had it. The crashing. The licking. The diving into plastic bags. I was so over it. I was tired, cranky, and certainly in no mood to let this feline creature disrupt my sleep again. I got up. Scolded him. When he came to bed, I told him "No way, cat. You lay down and leave me alone." Eventually, he jumped off the bed only to get back to the run and crash routine. I got up, looked at him pointedly and told him, "OXFORD. I AM ABOUT TO OPEN THAT BACK DOOR AND LET YOU OUT. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE." At that moment, I shut the bedroom door. No more cat attack last night, thank you.

Yeah, I kind of am a mean cat mom these days. However, I am going to pull the "almost my wedding day" excuse. No one is more scary than a bride close to her wedding day. NO ONE. Trust me.