Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I am a klutz.

I am what most people call a klutz. I drop things. I trip. One glass of wine and my words don’t come out quite so eloquently. I leave the freezer door open for all of my freezer foods to melt. I forget to put the coffee carafe under the brewer when I make coffee. Oh wait. That last one was P.I.C., not me. (ZING!)
However, being this way for my entire life, I have learned to operate my klutziness with some serious smooth operation. I have dropped enough forks at dinner (often flinging them off the table in dramatic fashion, and usually after that aforementioned one glass of wine) that I have learned how to drop things in a rather inconspicuous fashion. Basically, I pretend it didn't happen.

My smooth klutz skills were put to the test at my friend's wedding this weekend. After not much food during the day (seriously, someone needs to remember to FEED THE BRIDAL PARTY) and a cocktail hour with tiny bits of protein which were delicious, but not enough to sop up the pinot grigio I was sipping, I was at the not-so-eloquent state. Within twenty minutes of sitting at the table, I had sent my champagne flying (away from the table, and I only splashed my friend's husband a little bit on the leg.) While the glass was half-full and the liquid went away from the table, it made a pretty loud splash noise. My friend's husband looked at my incredulously as I calmly picked up the overturned champagne flute and moved it to the middle of the table. I then apologized for his pants. Ooops.

Shortly after that, I flung my dinner fork from the table. My usual action at this point is to kick it under the table and calmly ask the server for another fork. Lucky for me, there was a dessert fork right in front of me. Once again, I was busted by my friend's husband. He was either impressed by my ability to just keep with the flow upon dropping nearly everything I picked up or fairly certain that I had serious issues with my motor skills. I am going with the former.

It takes a klutz as experienced as me to really pull it off. And I do. Sadly, I pull that klutz routine off every day of my life. I mean, come on, I drove off with the gas pump and still calmly walked back to the pump to get my receipt. That takes serious klutz skills. Right?


  1. I think when you are of that caliber it should be "serious klutz skillz." The 'z' really adds something. Especially because there's one in 'klutz' and two z's in a row - pretty fucking awesome.

    I can be klutzy, but not always. Depends on what is going on in my life and how many different thoughts my half-retarded mind is currently entertaining. There was a time earlier in the summer when I couldn't stop falling down. Have the scars to prove it on my knees. Looked like a hooker giving back-alley blowjobs on broken glass. Now they're just scars so I look like a retired hooker.

  2. I have a problem walking in heels in public places where it's important. Like the first day of student teaching as I'm walking through the cafeteria full of kids and the principal and I slip and nearly pull another teacher down with me. Or the time I slipped off the steps of the school bus right in front of my high school for everyone to see.

    But us klutzy people are just as important as other people, right?