Friday, October 15, 2010

Weddings, schmeddings.

Today on this chilly October Friday, I will stand up in my dear friend's wedding. It is the last wedding of the year. Huzzah! I do, however have SOME complaints. Namely, I'd like to lodge a complaint with the VERA WANG store.

(If you listen closely, angels are crying as I deign mock the VW.)

You see, our bridesmaid dresses are absolutely gorgeous. They are VW. Black, knee-length and flowy, they seemed to be quite a nice choice for a fall wedding.

Hey. I don't really look like a bridesmaid, do I?
So, we all get measured and according to VW, I am TWO SIZES bigger than I normally wear. Fine. I have learned that in bridesmaid dresses, your sizes are rather off. Two months later, my dress is in. I pick it up. It falls off my body. Alterations clearly are necessary. Of course, I am supremely annoyed. Had I ordered the correct size, I am certain the dress would have fit beautifully. Now I have to pay extra money to fix something based on YOUR bunk-ass sizing. Vera, I was annoyed.

I took the dress to my local dry cleaner. (Note, this may have been my first mistake.) She does the measurements and tells me it will be no trouble to have it on time. Terrific. We were on the right track.

When I went to pick up the dress, the dry cleaner/tailor gave me a $5 discount. Of course, this made me suspect. I asked her, "If it doesn't fit, can I bring it back for more alterations." She then began to YELL at me for ordering my dress two sizes too big. When I attempted to explain it was the size that they had made me order, she just shook her head and told me, "NO." As if I were lying. Seriously. I paid and rather bewilderedly walked home with a growing sense of doom in my belly.

Of course, this made me panic. I got home and tried the dress on. It fit, however there was a strange poof on the left side of my chest. And the straps were decidedly small, leaving me to feel like the great hulk bridesmaid.

Hulks want to wear Vera Wang toooo.
UGH. So now I have to wear this dress for twelve hours and I am pretty certain that the straps will pop off "hulk-smash" style. Awesome.

On a happier note: my friend, the bride, had one shower I had to attend (um, hi, it was the one I threw). She was very nice to all of us, not making us buy matching shoes. We had rehearsal dinner at Wildfire (YUM). She bought us the most beautiful necklaces from Tiffany & Co. for our gift. And she has called me several times to thank me for my help with her wedding stuff. I love her. But I already knew that.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go get beautiful. Hulks like make up and updos too.

P.S. Vera Wang, you're a real bitch. (I'm sure you're a very nice person. And no one disputes that your gowns are the best and most beautiful. But the fact that my bridesmaid dress now looks like a crazy person's garment makes me unhappy. Let me rant.)


  1. I was recently a bridesmaid, too. The dress was ordered in some horrendous, embarrassing size, and then when it came, I could have fit Heidi Montag's boobs in the top. Nice, soooo, it's a family wedding, and all night I have to make sure I don't flash a boob at Great Aunt Alice. Niiiice.

  2. ya know... she might be a real bitch. i mean it would be hard to get to where is is without being a real bitch.

    Also - bridesmaid dresses suck. I was a suck ass bride, i made them get matching hot pink shoes. They should have rioted. To defend myself, i still wear my matching hot pink shoes all.the.time.

  3. that IS a gorgeous dress.

    i get every dress i buy altered. i don't have a choice as i'm rather pear shaped. i have a wonderful tailor who knows exactly what i want in my dresses. ask your friends for a good tailor or call your local j.crew or brooks brothers and ask where they send their tailoring (they all send them off-site and only send to good people). once you find someone, tell her you need it a week before you do, just in case you end up with a hulksmash problem again.